Anxiety is…

Dear Friends,

Anxiety is being excited about your birthday party for weeks, spending an entire day tidying and decorating your house and 3 hours getting ready to spend the hour before the party feeling anxious and eventually having a panic attack and spending a large amount of your party feeling stressed and anxious until you drink enough to make them go away.

Anxiety is being invited out for a fun day with friends and instead of only worrying about getting enough Instagram worthy selfies, you spend the night before thinking of every possible scenario that could go wrong to the point where even the most silly sounding and most unlikely things become things that you convince yourself may happen.

It’s needing to know every single minuscule detail about a event or place before you go.

Anxiety is having a pretty much none existent sleep schedule. It’s calling 2am an early night. It’s waking up every hour or so feeling like your having a panic attack. It’s putting your PJ’s on, taking your make up off, getting into bed and putting away your laptop and your phone and then lying awake for four hours worrying about everything you could until you hear the birds begin to tweet.

It’s missing events like prom or award ceremonies because you’ve over thought them to such an extent that you realise how much could go wrong and therefore you can’t go and then seeing everyones snapchat updates whilst your sat in bed alone.

It’s putting off getting ID because it works as a good excuse not to go out clubbing, so you don’t have to try and explain that you don’t want to go because you don’t want to deal with the anxiety and mental preparations that occur prior to going out and the inevitable overwhelming feelings of panic when you enter the crowded room.

Anxiety is trying to explain that yes, the feelings of anxiety can be removed in the clubbing instances through the consumption of alcohol, but that alcohol also causes anxiety because the idea of being drunk means the idea of having limited to no control over your actions, something that terrifies you even more.

Anxiety is a trip to costa to meet your best friend being something that requires mental preparation.

Anxiety is constant appologies.

Anxiety is not spontaneity. It’s the dread when you receive a text at work saying ‘hey! you want me to meet you from work and go out?’.

It’s being invited out for your best friends birthday but finding out that it’s at one of her other friends house that is far away and you’ve never been to and would definitely have to stay over at, and so even though its over a month away your having to accept the fact that the likelihood of you being able to go is very very slim.

Anxiety is being late to literally everything because you spent too long mentally preparing yourself and overthinking.

It’s the stress of being told to meet someone in an hour because you know thats not long enough to do the aforementioned preparation.

Anxiety is over thinking every text reply that takes over 5 minuets.

It’s rarely staying over at peoples houses because you worry about how anxious you’ll get or if you have a panic attack in the middle of the night and can’t get home.

Anxiety is over analysing everyone and everything. You can convince yourself that your friend may be suicidal purely by their tone of voice or that they’re keeping loads from you.

It’s looking through loads of photos of you and your friends and feeling so loved and happy but then suddenly overthinking that it’s all actually fake and no one actually likes you and none of those friendships are real they’re all bitching and laughing behind your back.

Anxiety is constantly worrying about everyone who means anything to you.

Anxiety is something that’s always there.

It’s getting interviews from 5 universities and only managing to get yourself to one interview.

It’s getting an offer from University for a course in a career that you really want to do but then having multiple breakdowns and panic attacks and cancelling your admissions tests so now you can’t go.

Anxiety is constantly procrastinating.

It’s doing something that you wanted to do and felt completely fine with at the time and then spending the following weeks convincing yourself it was wrong until you regret it and decide your a bad person.

Anxiety is constantly wanting and worrying about being a good person.

It’s being indecisive over literally everything. Changing your mind constantly because every time you get set on a decision your head starts telling you everything wrong with that idea.

It’s creating plans with people and then cancelling last minuet because all you want to do is sit in an oversized hoodie in your bedroom in the dark alone and cry.

It’s rarely letting anyone take your photo because you will overanalyse everything about said photos. God forbid they put it online before you’ve approved it. You’ll worry so much about what people will think. You’re so insecure that the very thought of having your picture taken or going to a place where photo opportunities are likely makes you want to throw up.

It’s worrying about an upcoming event so much that you make yourself physically ill and then can’t go.

Anxiety is harder than just ‘try not to think about it’.

Anxiety is feeling like a constant burden to your friends for all the times you’ve ditched them or they’ve asked you what’s wrong and it’s just the same as it always is. You really appreciate their advice and help and wish it would just go away so that it wasn’t something that they had to deal with anymore.

Anxiety is worrying about how your anxiety effects others sometimes more than yourself.

Anxiety isn’t something that always has a cause. There isn’t always a trigger. Sometimes you just feel it. Sometimes you just panic.

Anxiety is the little things that make you worry all day. It’s having a cigarette and worrying all day about whether it’s going to start a fire even though  you know you put it in the ash tray, but what if you didn’t? What if that person I accidentally walked into isn’t okay? What if I left my phone in that restaurant even though I carefully put it back in my bag? It’s walking all the way to the station to make an important train on time but convincing yourself you left your straighteners on despite the fact you always make sure to unplug them and then walking all the way home and missing what you were supposed to do it even though the straighteners were off the whole time. It’s doing this quite often.

Anxiety is the comment that plays on your mind for weeks.

Anxiety is waking up on a morning and the thought of getting out of bed and going outside and seeing people making you feel sick and burst into tears.

Anxiety is constantly asking why you think the way you do and why things effect you in ways they don’t other people.

It’s a heart pounding so hard you feel like you can hear it, it’s the feeling of not being able to breathe and fast breaths, it’s the shaking and the feeling of the room closing in on you.

Anxiety isn’t just worrying a little bit.

Anxiety is something that is different for every single person, this post is just about my personal experiences with anxiety and how anxiety effects me and what anxiety is to me but of course as I said it’s different for everyone, no ones anxiety is the exact same as someone else’s. Writing about it has made me feel slightly at ease though.

Lots of love,

Hannah

xoxoxo

 

The things I learned at Sixth Form (and no not the A levels)

Dear Friends,

So as I’ve said before I have just finished my last year at Sixth Form college, which if you don’t live in the Uk is basically the last two years of high school (ages 16-18).

I feel like I’ve learned an awful lot at my time in sixth form and really developed and changed as a person, much more than through secondary school anyway.

I think people really made the difference in my sixth form experience as I really don’t think I would’ve had such a good time without them. My friendship group from secondary school was very large but split off when we moved to sixth form as some people went to different schools and some just simply stopped speaking to each other. At the end of year 11 I would’ve said the friends who I were closest to were 4 girls that I had been best friends with ever since I moved secondary schools at the beginning of year 9. I really did love being friends with them, they made me realise that you don’t need to constantly worry about what other people think of you, you can like whatever you like and have whatever interests or hobbies you want, you can nerd out and have passionate views on the world and you shouldn’t give a shit about peoples opinions on that. But as the years went on issues began to arise and now I only speak to two of them. Two of them I haven’t spoken to in about 4 months, which is sad considering those two were the kinda friends that I’d talk to daily and there wasn’t a single thing I couldn’t tell them and I do miss that.  But I came to realise that maybe those friendships weren’t so great after all, they were one sided, fake and the fallouts were over stupid things. One fell out with me over another friend and the other well to put it simply we’d been trying to hold a friendship together for too long that simply wasn’t working, she got a boyfriend and made up with another friend and her friends weren’t really of importance to her after that and that’s all okay, I wish them both well in their lives but accepted that they’re no  longer in mine 🙂 That’s life for ya.

On the bright side however, sixth form brought lots of new people into my life and strengthened my bonds with others. Joe, Lucy and Kira are now some of my bestest friends. I love them so much. Our friendship is about as close to perfect as I think it could get. We don’t take things too seriously, we accept that we’re all messes in our own ways and we rip into each other constantly and take the piss, but we also have a laugh and they’re some of the kindest and most loyal and wonderful people I know and the best friends a girl could dream off. I knew Joe from secondary school but sixth form definitely made us closer, and Lucy and Kira I met at sixth form, now I couldn’t imagine life without them <3.

My history squad have really made QE great. In first year history I ended up making friends with a group of girls in my class and then a group chat and two years later we’re now a little squad. They’ve made even the most boring history classes entertaining and the most stressful  revision cramming nights a bit more of an ease. They’re all absolute embarrassing nerds but fantastic people who are funny and incredibly smart and lovely people who I know are going to go very far in life.

Alycia especially I wanted to shout out to because as much as I hate to admit it, I love and appreciate her a lot. I think she’s incredibly smart and brave and really inspires me in life, and I think when you find people like that, they’re something special and you need to keep them. I really hope I stay in touch with the history squad because it’s been a blast.

(Here’s a cheeky pic of her because she got put on Coldplay’s instagram and that’s pretty cool)

IMG_2500

I now have a really big but good friendship group, it’s got it’s faults and dramas but at the end of the day, it’s been good, we’ve had lots of parties and made lots of memories and I hope to stay in touch or at least have a good summer. I feel a house party coming 😉

The teachers at college have been great. I actually felt like they cared. They made lessons entertaining, especially my film teacher who has been my favourite teacher of all time. You can tell that all of the teachers were genuinely passionate about their subjects and wanted to make their students feel the same, they wen’t beyond their jobs often offering support on more than just academic problems. At my college it was quite informal in the sense that we called all the teachers by their first name, whilst strange at first I found that it created a level of mutual respect and maturity which I really liked. It’s really taught me how great teachers can be and influenced me wanting to become a teacher when I grow up as well as making me realise that teachers really do care and want you to do well and everything their saying though it may seem annoying at the time is probably for the best so you should maybe listen.

I have also learned that everyone was so right when they said that A Levels are hard.

SO.

FUCKING.

HARD.

I feel like I’ve developed as a person, I found my own interests and stopped caring about what people thought of them, although my anxiety is still a mess I finally accepted that it’s anxiety and it’s a thing I have but also it’s a thing that I can do things about which I’m working on, my confidence grew as I’ve managed to make so many friends which I never expected going into Sixth Form, I learned that if your nice and just be yourself as cheesy as it sounds you do make friends. Just don’t be a two faced fake cow and you’ll be fine 😉 xx

But basically what I’ve learned from my time at Sixth form is is that things change, people especially, and sometimes you just have to realise that and stop holding on to things that aren’t right and let go, move on. Allow people to come into your life and enjoy it. Don’t worry so much about what people think, be  your own person and do whatever you want and what makes you happy, buy 10 potato waffles even though everyone in the line in front of you only got 5, wear that Renaissance art t- shirt and gallop down the hallway singing Coldplay with pride ( you know who you are 😉 ), dance to Come on Eileen in the common room to the disapproval of the table of girls who’s only conversation seems to be about their coffee order today and sit on the stage in history class and loudly discuss the attractiveness of 17th century men , the hierarchy of historical figures and the amusing qualities of Henry VIII’S tights and don’t  give a shit when the girls on the other tables loudly bitch about how embarrassing and weird you all are because at the end of the day sixth form was a blur, it’s gone so fast and any memories of the shitty people there will leave my memory just as fast, but the fun memories and people will stay and that’s what counts.

Sixth Form? Completed it mate.

Today’s song:

Lots of love,

Hannah

Over sized tees and chinese.

Dear Friends,

As I write this post I am sat in an oversized Queen T- Shirt and not a lot else, and my biggest stress of the day has been being told I needed to put some jeans on to go pick up my chinese takeaway.

Summer is here.

I’m not saying that my summer so far hasn’t been busy, but I guess it also hasn’t been exactly the summer most people would want after finishing their A Levels.

My last exam was the 21st June, it is now the 7th of July as I write meaning I have had over two weeks off. My two weeks so far have consisted of work experience at a Primary school every weekday from 9-3:20 and then working at my part time job at a well known pizza restaurant quite a lot then coming home and binge watching Skins for the third time and Game of Thrones.

I don’t expect to actually be able to completely chill until the 21st July as I’m supposed to be revising for my QTS skills tests which are basically some hard maths and english tests that you have to do if you’re wanting to do any teaching degrees, not that I’m remotely decided on what I’m doing after summer but still, attempting to keep options open I guess, well not really considering I haven’t started revising for those tests yet. Oops.

I don’t think it’s completely sunk in that Sixth Form is over to be honest. I think I’m glad it is? I’ll probably write a post all about that because I have a lot of thoughts on the whole subject.

I’m so so bored. Like the second I come home I just want there to be something to come home to do, as much as I love Skins and Netflix in general, I just have an urge to be doing things. I’m going to make sure that the end of July and all of August is fantastic though.

I guess this post was kinda just a post to get me back into the swing of blogging because I fully intend to continue this through summer because I intend to do a lot and I have a lot to say.

Lots of Love,

Hannah (and her food baby)

xoxoxo

 

Things are changing.

I feel like i’m losing things.

I’m only 18, but instead of feeling like life is only beginning, why do I have such an overwhelming feeling that everything is ending?

I can’t stop thinking about missed things and regret, I’m overthinking it to the point that it’s smothering my other thoughts, I’ve thought of it every night for the last month or so.

Parties I should’ve been to, guys I should have danced with, friend’s I should have kept and fought for, piercings I shouldn’t have got, friendships that I should’ve put less time and effort into, time spent crying, more effort that should’ve been put into things, stupid fallouts, time spent hurting myself, missed experiences, not enough time spent with the right people, missed opportunities for new friendships, wasted time, wasted worry.

The college year is coming to the end, things are changing.

I don’t think I like it.

 

Don’t look back in anger.

Dear Friends,

Today’s not been the best of days.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my Nanna died a week or so ago.

Today me and my mum went to visit her in the Chapel of Rest, which is basically at the funeral directors where you go into a room and your loved one is there in their coffin and you can have some time alone with them to I guess just say goodbye.

I think it was quite possibly the hardest and most unsettling moment of my life so far. I didn’t expect to react quite as badly to it as I did, but it was quite a shock.

When my Aunt died a few years ago my cousin told me that going to the Chapel of Rest helped her, as it made her see that what she was burying wasn’t her mum, she described it as the body being almost just a shell and that her mum had left it, and that helped her.

I guess my experience did have it’s similarities to that, the body to me didn’t look like my Nan, which was comforting in a way but also haunting and made me feel sick, she didn’t look awful or anything, it’s just a really surreal experience and I guess you wouldn’t really get it until you’ve done it. I expected to walk in and everything to be okay and to feel a lot better about the situation, I mean on the drive there me and mum were blasting out a karaoke session to Queen in the car, but everything changed when we walked into that room, I thought it would be okay and it just wasn’t.

I tried to keep myself strong for my mum who I could also see was struggling, but I just broke down and felt like I was going to throw up.

I’m not going to go into great detail but things in the family have been bad for quite a few years, a family argument lead to no contact between a few of us for 9 years and so it’s quite a complicated situation to be in, and I think there’s a lot of regret in the atmosphere.

After we’d both calmed down me and mum went for a drive around the whole of her old town and she pulled up outside her old street and house and old school and showed me all the places she used to hang around as a child and teenager and told me loads of stories and I think it helped us both a bit. We then got some lunch and popped into a shop where she treated me to some bralets and some new shoes whose primary purpose are for the funeral but their wearable for other things too.

My mum called in to work and they were very lovely about it and said I didn’t need to worry about going in. I’m really lucky to work with such lovely people. Last night during my shift I had a quite bad panic attack and ended up outside crying and a bit of a mess and Sarah, one of the chefs came out and talked through things with me and got me some water and told me she also had anxiety and was here for me whenever and so was everyone else, then my boss was also lovely and said things of a similar sort and let me go home early. It  really is like a second family there.

Today I spent the afternoon sleeping and watching Gilmore Girls to try to cheer myself up.

I have mock exams tomorrow and on thursday and friday for which i’ve done absolutely no work for and quite frankly are the last thing I care about right now.

The funerals on Tuesday and to be honest I’m dreading it, the family situation is on rocky ground and has been for many years and I don’t know what sorta shit is going to be brought up.

College tomorrow is something I really don’t want to do because quite frankly I cannot handle the bullshit and drama that comes with it, I’m a tad fragile at the moment and kinda feel like I’m going to either have a panic attack or break down at any moment.

It’s been a shitty day but I guess all it’s taught me is that it’s so very stupid holding grudges against people you love and care about, and life is too short. Live it. Because you don’t know how long you’ve got and at the end of the day, thats where everyone’s going to end up one day and I personally don’t want to get to the end of my life and have regrets.

Today’s song:

 

 

Lots of love,

Hannah

xoxoxo

 

 

Slow down you crazy child.

Dear Friends,

I guess the irony of that title is that technically I am no longer a child as I am now 18.

Ewwww, gross that sounds so gross to say out loud. Maybe if I don’t say it, then it’s not real? That’s how age works right? I wonder at what point you’re allowed to act like my mum does when you ask her about her age, you know when grown ups to the whole ‘None of your business’ or when a 50 year old jokes about themselves being 35 and won’t tell you their real age. Wow, I’m starting to sound like Bella from twilight. Abort.

To be honest, though I’m 18 I could probably still pass for 12, I mean I got ID’d for buying some paracetamol the other day and I’m pretty sure you only have to be 16 for that.

My 18th Birthday was fun, I had another 1980’s party because it’s my favourite decade, I needed an excuse to dress up and my friendship group are all weirdos who went along with it. It was a rather amusing/messy/ stressful/ fun night.

I’ve actually been out a few times since, I’ve been clubbing, drank too much and thrown up in the middle of the high street, befriended a plastic cup, rapped to Montell Jordan etc etc.

I’ve seen a doctor about anxiety stuff and got referred, hopefully things can start getting sorted, its not the most fun thing atm but at least I’ve made a start. Things can only go up from here right?

Speaking of which it’s not been the best few weeks, friendship drama occurred and I guess i’ve sorta removed myself from the friendship group and am now hanging out with the group of friends from a club I’m in, but i’m genuinely alot happier with them, I haven’t completely removed myself, I’m still close to individuals in the group whom I hang with in frees its just more not hanging with the group as a whole at like lunch and break etc. I’m realising the toxicity of friendships I once thought to be pretty much perfect, and I’m learning as cheesy as it sounds who my true friends are and I guess learning more about myself and who I want to be in the process.  God I’m such a cliche. So yeah, mixed time. I got into some old habits that I’m not too happy about, and my Nana died on monday which was both incredibly upsetting and brought up some family drama. Death is so dramatic.

I’m powering through though :).

On an unrelated note I read a book which I really enjoyed called Everything, Everything, I read it in a day and thoroughly enjoyed it, would really recommend it, plus its coming out as a film in May which is extremely exciting, here’s the trailer for anyone interested.

I’ve also binge watched 13 Reasons Why, a new show on Netflix, twice. It’s really good, stressful and upsetting but good and addictive. It’s kinda disturbing, but to be honest there’s not really a way of tackling the issues that they do in a way that isn’t disturbing, I’d really recommend it though.

I also got a university offer from Durham to study Primary Education, which I’m considering 🙂 🙂  and exams are in a month which is stressful and then college is over.
Not quite sure how any of that makes me feel to be quite honest.

Anyway,

I didn’t want to make this way too long so I’ll leave it here.

Today’s song:

As the title might suggest- Vienna by Billy Joel

Todays Film: The Fundamentals of Caring.

I’m a creep.

Dear Friends,

I just finished watching My Mad Fat Diary for the 6th time, it’s definitely one of my favourite programs, I love it so much. It helps me in so many ways, it tells me I’m not alone, none of the thoughts and feelings I experience are things that others don’t also feel, and it most of all tells me that no matter how fucked up you are there’s still a chance at a happy ending. Rae had so many issues and she managed to win at life, I should be able to too seeing as I haven’t got half as much shit to handle as she did. I love the characters,the plot, the beginning, the middle, the end, the fashion and definitely the music (its stuff like Oasis, Stone Roses, Pulp etc and it’s fab) I’ll leave a link to MMFD at the bottom because i’d really recommend watching it :).

I haven’t been my best recently, on thursday I had 3 panic attacks and then felt so anxious on friday that I said I was really ill so I wouldn’t have to go to college- I’ve never been that bad before. I then went to the doctors, that’s a big step for me, I think I just began to scare myself and like I’d genuinely lost control and a load of old feelings came back and I wanted to hurt myself again. I really don’t want to go back to that dark place. My scars are almost gone. I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE. NO. They’ve made me fill out this questionnaire to give to the people they’re referring me too, I’m not sure if i’m going to take it any further because quite frankly they scare me. It all scares me. But we’ll see.

I also had a lung test the other day to see if it’s my lungs that are the issue, it’s not. Which is good news. Means I don’t need to be in the respiratory department again. I’ve told my friends that i’ve been discharged from hospital completely, is discharged even the right word? I mean basically i dont need to go back again. But that’s not strictly true, I dont need to see that department but i’m supposed to go to the cardiology department that i got referred to months ago. But i’ve discharged myself, I can’t handle it anymore. I feel stuck as the 13 year old I was when this all started, I can’t do that anymore I’ve wasted too much time and energy on it. I’m moving on.

I have methods of fixing it sorted, it’s a long story but I don’t know if others will approve of it. It starts with fixing things with people i’ve fallen out with, and then being a bit more outgoing and diving into situations that scare me.

Wish me luck

Love Hannah

xoxoxoxoxoxoox

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/my-mad-fat-diary/on-demand/56407-007

 

A dance party for one and that one time I went outside and socialised but got betrayed by my own shoe.

Dear Friends,

I’ve had a bad week, not overall, I mean there’s been good parts, for example me and my friends going out for a meal, having three courses each and it only coming to £30 because of my staff discount, that was fun.

I also had one of the best alone dance parties to date in my bedroom the other night, highlights from my set list included my rendition of ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ and ‘Love Is A Battlefield’ complete with my trusty hairbrush microphone and pjs and rainbow tutu.

Okay, so maybe that ones a tad sad, I like to imagine myself as in that scene from 13 Going 30 except I have less friends and when I dance I just look like a stoned walrus.

Incase anyone hasn’t seen that movie (what are you doing with your lives?) here is the scene in question.

 

I also went on a night out, and anyone who knows me is something I just don’t do.

I went out with my old friend Lauren, and after she downed an entire bucks fizz on the walk there (bucks fizz is ew I could handle a few gulps and was done) she took me to this bar in town, its actually super cute. Its a small room above a pub, there’s fairy lights all over the place and a stage and arm chairs and sofas, and a bar and lots of vintage style posters everywhere and board games. It’s pretty nice.

We had some cocktails and shots, played some Jenga, met some new people, listened to some music, did some other stuff.

Overall it was a fun night, unusual, different, out of my comfort zone but overall a good night. I think I’ll be going out with her more.

Of course my parents were pissed when I came home at 1:30am instead of 10pm, but I don’t know at the time it seemed worth it.

Well except from the moment as I was walking home with my friends and my heels were making my feet feel like the fires of hell and the idea of attempting to pull them off was making me wanna cry. In that fateful moment I decided I had five choices:

  1. Fashion a knife out of whatever things I had in my bag which was gum, lipgloss, money and body spray so there was absolutely no logic in that plan (Because a lack of logic in my plans is totally something new for me 😉 ) and using said knife to cut my foot off as in that moment I was about 110% sure that it would hurt less than the foot pain I was already experiencing.
  2. Lying down on a patch of grass until the pain went away or until I was found dead from hypothermia.
  3. Getting on the floor and wiggling like a worm on my belly the entire way home
  4. Taking my shoes off and walking barefoot on the icy path which was covered in stones and bits of glass and god knows what else.
  5. Braving it.

Eventually I was forced to brave it, though that didn’t occur until a rather large amount of moaning and sobbing.

I had absolutely no issues with any of the other choices but unfortunately my friends did and they won.

But like I was a genuine vision of beauty, stumbling down the street, slightly tipsy, smelling like a mixture of all the things my parents disapprove of with sweaty disgusting makeup, on the verge of tears because my feet hurt and absolutely craving pizza whilst rushing home in the hope of not being completely disowned by my parents.

What a classy lady am I?

I’m going far in life my friends.

So there’s just a couple of thoughts for this evening,

With love always,

Hannah

Today’s song has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post or my feelings but it’s been in my head for about 5 days now so it made the cut 😉

I am content.

Dear Friends,

Have you ever just sat back and thought you know what, despite all of the shit that has been on around me, right now, in this moment, I feel truely content.

That’s a feeling I’ve had for most of today.

Today I went on the bus with two of my bestest friends Heather and Gabs and we went to the town where my secondary school was, it’s super pretty there with a really nice river and abbey. 

We had a look round town and went to some cute shops, then went on a long walk up the abbey, then filmed some stuff for my media music video and had a mess around, saw the river, stroked some dogs, walked back, then we went to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them and got junk food and slush puppies and then listened to super Loud songs like come on Eileen and don’t stop me now and we’re screaming along in the car.

I dunno I just felt really content.

I could really get used to these feelings, I’m enjoying writing about more good things than bad. 

That’s how life should be.

Just wanted to share that happy thought, 

With love always,

Hannah 

Xoxoxox

Today’s song:

“Stop playing these games they are childish”

Dear Friends,

Another week, another fallout.

I am genuinely not remotely upset about falling out with this person, as I believe they are just being very pathetic.

But one thing from this argument has played on my mind, it’s the repeated use of calling me childish and saying that I need to grow up etc.

What is with this obsession with growing up?

As far as I see it Peter Pan had the right idea, growing up is boring.

But I also don’t think that ‘growing up’ is a thing that necessarily has to happen, I mean yes everyones going to get older, but this whole ‘act your age’ thing is complete bullshit to me.

I mean according to this person, we’re coming on 18 now and it’s time to grow up.

Well I say screw that.

How even does one act 18?

There’s no written rules of what an 18 year old should act like.

So I think I’m going to continue to act however I like, and when I turn 18 I shall continue to do exactly that.

Yes, I could be considered childish, I enjoy Winnie The Pooh, I like going to the park, A build a bear is on my christmas list, Santa is my idol, I still believe in the possibility of fairies, I still sleep with a teddy bear, I believe that dancing is a thing that can be done anywhere, I giggle at the word ‘bottom’ and I would rather drink a slushy than vodka any day.

But I don’t think any of those things are bad things.

It doesn’t mean I can’t be serious when I need to be, I’ll always be there if anyone needs any help, or advice, or even just a hug. I understand when sometimes you have to take a situation seriously (okay so maybe dancing isn’t always appropriate) so do any of those ‘childish’ attributes make me a bad person?

No, no they don’t.

And yes, I have ‘silly’ and ‘irrational’ fears- I don’t like the dark, hospitals, needles, uni, blood, sharks etc and sometimes I get very scared of some things and try to avoid them, but thats not even a childish attribute, thats a human attribute, everyones scared of stuff, everyone struggles to deal with things. But this person’s thoughts on this is that it’s ‘time to grow up and actually do things we might not like to do’ but it doesn’t have anything to do with me acting ‘childish’ and not grown up it’s to do with my natural human fears that I cannot help, ‘growing up’ ain’t going to change it, whether my issues were occurring at 17 or 65 I think i’d react in the exact same way because that’s just who I am.

She was also under the impression that I want constant babying, no. NO I do not need constant babying. I hate being babied and treat like I am not as capable of doing things as others and like others know more or are more capable of things than me.  I can look after myself and do what I want, not my fault she can be incredibly condescending, as can others. There’s a difference between telling your ‘friends’ about an issue and wanting constant babying from them?

So yeah, as well as those points i’ve just addressed, the argument was pretty much her being a hypocrite and just a tad pathetic and I’m very much done with her, if she doesn’t like me and the way I live my life, then that’s her problem and I don’t need her in my life.

As far as I see it you’re an ‘adult’ a far lot longer than you are a ‘child’, I have plenty of time to ‘grow up’, but I see no issue with trying to make your childhood last as long as you can.

Stop being obsessed with growing up and just be happy.

Do what makes you happy and not what you believe is the acceptable way to act for your age.

And if friends don’t accept you for who you are and don’t have the decency to talk to you if there is any sort of issue, then are they really your friends? really?

Anyway,

Today’s Song:

Bohemian Rapsody- Queen as that’s what i’m listening to right now

And todays film:

13 Going On 30. A film that very much demonstrates the message of not growing up too fast.

With love always,

Hannah

xoxoxox