Anxiety is being excited about your birthday party for weeks, spending an entire day tidying and decorating your house and 3 hours getting ready to spend the hour before the party feeling anxious and eventually having a panic attack and spending a large amount of your party feeling stressed and anxious until you drink enough to make them go away.
Anxiety is being invited out for a fun day with friends and instead of only worrying about getting enough Instagram worthy selfies, you spend the night before thinking of every possible scenario that could go wrong to the point where even the most silly sounding and most unlikely things become things that you convince yourself may happen.
It’s needing to know every single minuscule detail about a event or place before you go.
Anxiety is having a pretty much none existent sleep schedule. It’s calling 2am an early night. It’s waking up every hour or so feeling like your having a panic attack. It’s putting your PJ’s on, taking your make up off, getting into bed and putting away your laptop and your phone and then lying awake for four hours worrying about everything you could until you hear the birds begin to tweet.
It’s missing events like prom or award ceremonies because you’ve over thought them to such an extent that you realise how much could go wrong and therefore you can’t go and then seeing everyones snapchat updates whilst your sat in bed alone.
It’s putting off getting ID because it works as a good excuse not to go out clubbing, so you don’t have to try and explain that you don’t want to go because you don’t want to deal with the anxiety and mental preparations that occur prior to going out and the inevitable overwhelming feelings of panic when you enter the crowded room.
Anxiety is trying to explain that yes, the feelings of anxiety can be removed in the clubbing instances through the consumption of alcohol, but that alcohol also causes anxiety because the idea of being drunk means the idea of having limited to no control over your actions, something that terrifies you even more.
Anxiety is a trip to costa to meet your best friend being something that requires mental preparation.
Anxiety is constant appologies.
Anxiety is not spontaneity. It’s the dread when you receive a text at work saying ‘hey! you want me to meet you from work and go out?’.
It’s being invited out for your best friends birthday but finding out that it’s at one of her other friends house that is far away and you’ve never been to and would definitely have to stay over at, and so even though its over a month away your having to accept the fact that the likelihood of you being able to go is very very slim.
Anxiety is being late to literally everything because you spent too long mentally preparing yourself and overthinking.
It’s the stress of being told to meet someone in an hour because you know thats not long enough to do the aforementioned preparation.
Anxiety is over thinking every text reply that takes over 5 minuets.
It’s rarely staying over at peoples houses because you worry about how anxious you’ll get or if you have a panic attack in the middle of the night and can’t get home.
Anxiety is over analysing everyone and everything. You can convince yourself that your friend may be suicidal purely by their tone of voice or that they’re keeping loads from you.
It’s looking through loads of photos of you and your friends and feeling so loved and happy but then suddenly overthinking that it’s all actually fake and no one actually likes you and none of those friendships are real they’re all bitching and laughing behind your back.
Anxiety is constantly worrying about everyone who means anything to you.
Anxiety is something that’s always there.
It’s getting interviews from 5 universities and only managing to get yourself to one interview.
It’s getting an offer from University for a course in a career that you really want to do but then having multiple breakdowns and panic attacks and cancelling your admissions tests so now you can’t go.
Anxiety is constantly procrastinating.
It’s doing something that you wanted to do and felt completely fine with at the time and then spending the following weeks convincing yourself it was wrong until you regret it and decide your a bad person.
Anxiety is constantly wanting and worrying about being a good person.
It’s being indecisive over literally everything. Changing your mind constantly because every time you get set on a decision your head starts telling you everything wrong with that idea.
It’s creating plans with people and then cancelling last minuet because all you want to do is sit in an oversized hoodie in your bedroom in the dark alone and cry.
It’s rarely letting anyone take your photo because you will overanalyse everything about said photos. God forbid they put it online before you’ve approved it. You’ll worry so much about what people will think. You’re so insecure that the very thought of having your picture taken or going to a place where photo opportunities are likely makes you want to throw up.
It’s worrying about an upcoming event so much that you make yourself physically ill and then can’t go.
Anxiety is harder than just ‘try not to think about it’.
Anxiety is feeling like a constant burden to your friends for all the times you’ve ditched them or they’ve asked you what’s wrong and it’s just the same as it always is. You really appreciate their advice and help and wish it would just go away so that it wasn’t something that they had to deal with anymore.
Anxiety is worrying about how your anxiety effects others sometimes more than yourself.
Anxiety isn’t something that always has a cause. There isn’t always a trigger. Sometimes you just feel it. Sometimes you just panic.
Anxiety is the little things that make you worry all day. It’s having a cigarette and worrying all day about whether it’s going to start a fire even though you know you put it in the ash tray, but what if you didn’t? What if that person I accidentally walked into isn’t okay? What if I left my phone in that restaurant even though I carefully put it back in my bag? It’s walking all the way to the station to make an important train on time but convincing yourself you left your straighteners on despite the fact you always make sure to unplug them and then walking all the way home and missing what you were supposed to do it even though the straighteners were off the whole time. It’s doing this quite often.
Anxiety is the comment that plays on your mind for weeks.
Anxiety is waking up on a morning and the thought of getting out of bed and going outside and seeing people making you feel sick and burst into tears.
Anxiety is constantly asking why you think the way you do and why things effect you in ways they don’t other people.
It’s a heart pounding so hard you feel like you can hear it, it’s the feeling of not being able to breathe and fast breaths, it’s the shaking and the feeling of the room closing in on you.
Anxiety isn’t just worrying a little bit.
Anxiety is something that is different for every single person, this post is just about my personal experiences with anxiety and how anxiety effects me and what anxiety is to me but of course as I said it’s different for everyone, no ones anxiety is the exact same as someone else’s. Writing about it has made me feel slightly at ease though.
Lots of love,